I have always been a bit of a mess so I know it's me. I know it must be. There are many many people in this world who live with neat and tidy cars, homes and clothes. I can't seem to make it through a few hours without some kind of a mess. It's exhausting and I find it stressful. Not only that, but I am always cleaning. I find that exhausting and stressful too.
Here lies the dichotomy of my situation and the pressure point of my frustration. I am surrounded at all times by mess and clutter, and, despite my best efforts, I am always cleaning. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I throw things and other times I curl up on the couch and glare at the mess with one stink eye while pretending not to care about the defeat.
I read up on the situation. I do. I try to do the little challenges (like 30 days to a clutter free house) and I really really want to be there. I do. I want to be THERE.
I don't think I'm there though. I think I am about 3 steps behind "there".
There are a lot of assumptions being made when talking about decluttering and cleaning and what not. The big one is that I don't want the stuff anymore. Hah. Well I don't want everything but I do want some of it. I'm building my art studio right now and I'm looking around thinking that maybe I'll need that extra container. Maybe I'll need that paint can. Maybe I'll want that box of pine cones. I don't know what I will want so I'm paralyzed. I can't make the choice. I need to stop wondering if I'm going to keep it or not and just make some piles, designate a sorting space and make some piles. I can worry about chucking or keeping stuff later. When I know what I have I will be able to make those tough calls with more confidence.
The other assumption is that the surface in which you live can be cleaned. I had to paint an entire floor just to get the point where I could sweep. It's been a bit of a nightmare to get that far! I need shelves. I need furniture. I need closets. I have none of these things lined up just yet. I'm still getting there. My old bathtub was cleaned but it never looked like it. It had stains from paint and polyurethane. The enamel was worn away and a nice white crust was everywhere. There is just no way I'm getting it clean. I need to fogive myself for these kinds of situations. There is only so much I can do and I can't let my frustration put gauges in my happy moments. I need to accept what I can not change. Boy do I.
I think I've realized that part of being neat and tidy is having a place to put things. It's less about the effort of putting things away and more about having a sensible place to put things. DUH right? I know.
You must understand though. I had parents, I did, but functionally they were not really there for me. They taught me very little about how to do anything around the home. My house growing up was a mess, for a number of reasons, and although my brother came away from it all a little OCD and extreme in the neat direction, I did not. I'm still a mess 20 years later. Less of a mess? Maybe. These things stay with you people. They stay with you. So here I am. Sitting at my desk which is full of paper bits and containers and systems. Mostly everything in limbo waiting for the place that it can call it's own.
So here in limbo is where I am too, stuck. Trying to navigate this 'creating spaces' thing. I feel like I don't know how. I feel like I need closets and tupperware but I have no idea where to begin. I wonder about just buying a bunch of dressers and things on kijiji and filling them up. I think this might help but I'm not sure for how long. I have no idea if it will help at all. I could just stuff things into drawers and then feel the need to leave other things out so I don't lose them in drawers. I need to stop this. Girl get yourself some furniture on the cheap and then get rid of it when it does not work. Stop trying to wait for the day when the stars align your money and your dream dresser. Get proactive! Learn how to take care of your house on your own and be prepared to not do it perfectly. Just do it. Learn and move forward. You can do this.
I don't know which room to start in. Should I start in the kitchen or the entry way? Should I rip out cabinets and move them around or try to make do with what I have? Just start. Girl, just start.
Then there are the temporary fixes. These have become essential to me. Only because I lived with things because they will eventually change before. In fact I have lived without doors, closets, walls, bathrooms and kitchens all because eventually things will change. Usually I think things will change much sooner than they often do. So I live in temporary chaos for what feels like too long, not temporary enough. Right now I am refusing to put my towels in the only cupboard we have that would work for towels because we eventually plan to rip it out. That makes no sense folks but it's the way I am. I can't think of it as usable because in 3 months we will tear it out. So my towels have no home. Girl you have got to get real about the to do list. I need to embrace the temporary fix instead of avoiding it like a waste of money and time. It's not a waste if it keeps you sane. Girl fold your towels and put them in the crazy closet for now.
Here is the other problem.
I'm always doing 'projects'. Always. They disrupt, they suck up time, they spread out and they take a while to finish up.
Another piece of the renovation journey is that it tends to get personal. It's inevitable. You have to figure yourself out a little in order to figure out the house and make it into a home.
Speaking of mess, projects and getting things moving. Look what I picked up = )
I ended up with less paint than I thought I would get because there were so many other things I need to get too. I wanted some extra colours to play with. Sitting in my mess, surrounded by mess, constantly trying to clean up and manage the mess and all I can think of is ripping apart my kitchen and painting my cabinets. I think this is the kind of thing that creates my frustration you know?
I'm probably going to do it anyway. Pictures of my Annie Sloan chalk paint adventure soon to follow. I'll even clean up a little bit before I snap them.
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